So, this past weekend, my wife suggested that we try going to a Saturday night church service. Now, I've been warming up to the idea of getting back into church and tried to be open as we headed off. It's a church whose Sunday services we've attended before. Anyway, we went.
I tried. I really, really did. But for whatever reason, upon opening the door to get out of the car in the parking lot, my defenses went back up. I questioned the happy faces that greeted us at the door. One gentleman, as he shook my hand, exclaimed, "Hey! Good to see you!" Now, I know that this behavior, in and of itself, is not bad. It's good to smile at people, to greet them and such, but for whatever reason, cynicism, skepticism, and the like, I questioned it.
During the song service, I sang along but it felt forced. I looked around at people, hands raised in the air, clapping and dancing, and thought to myself in the words of the old Righteous Brothers song, "You've lost that loving feeling". And I have. I guess part of me is envious of those people. I would like to be a part of something that I truly could get behind, that I could truly put my trust in. But the institutional church is not that entity for me. Some will argue that I must simply forgive past hurts and get over it. To a degree, they're right. However, don't judge me as harshly unless you've walked a mile in these shoes. Others will say that I must be part of something if I'm going to help change it. They're right too, to a degree.
I don't know. It's yet another quandry I find myself in. I look to the Scriptures. I look to the church. In all honesty, they don't look the same near enough for me. I'm not sure what role I'm to play in that just yet but I'm seeking it out. I want to be part of the solution, part of the new revolution, part of the generation that throws off the old and puts on the new, walking in truth and light. I've just got to figure it out.
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2 comments:
Hello old friend,
I applaud your willingness to step out of the car. It takes a lot and I think your efforts are far worth more than someone who may be routinely throwing their hands up during a church service.
I'm not sure if you had a chance to check out my book, but here's another recommendation that sure to put some ease to "church."
"Frequently Avoided Questions" by Chuck Smith, Jr. and some guy from YWAM.
It's a great read and comforting to know that there are more people who feel "bored" as much as I do.
Take care...
Derrick, I haven't yet had the chance to get a hold of your book although I'm planning on it. I have perused the Chuck Smith book and, while it asks some great questions, it still doesn't answer my issue.
My issue is this: How can I choose to belong to or attend an institution that runs more or less counter to what I read in the Scriptures? There was a time when I would have thrown rocks at myself for a statement like that but now, well, it's true. I read the Sermon on the Mount and see Jesus sharing a way of life that is not what we evangelicals hold up as a standard. And getting back in, well, it's just a difficult thing right now.
Thanks for the encouragement and responses though. I need all the help I can get!
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