Like A Ship Without A Sail...

That's pretty much how I've felt as of late, like that proverbial ship floating in the ocean without any impetus to get him anywhere. It's one of, if not the, most frustrating thing in my life right now. All through my life, beginning about halfway through middle school, I've had something to push me on, to pursue, some vision to hope to see fulfilled. Then it was to become the best volleyball player I could. Yeah, it's kind of basic and simple and a little bit childish but that simple drive pushed me to so many cool experiences and, in the meantime, I got to be a pretty damn good player too. Moving alongside that as I got older was a passion for God and the Church, ministry in particular. While that journey was a bumpy one, I eventually found myself in a ministry position and pursuing what I was after.

But somewhere along that journey, my vision shifted. It wasn't that I took my eyes off of God, as some will and surely have suggested, but rather that as I encountered more of Him along with thinking honestly and openly about the things we tend to ascribe to Him via the Church that I began to see things in a different perspective. I began to see the emperor's new clothes for what they are and, as I began to call into question some of the shaky dogmatic foundations of my faith, I found my perspective shifting. This is where things get dicey.

The circumstances that propelled me out of direct "ministry" are such that have been tossed around more than once here and aren't worth going into again. And I'll admit that it's an easy solution to simply say that my lack of vision, my frustration with everything I'm doing, is due to the fact that I'm "out of God's will," that His will is for me to be in some regular ministry. And, I'm not discounting the idea that this may be true. But the corollary to that is that, perhaps, my dissonance with the modern Church is actually based upon something of substance and that is what prevents me from diving wholeheartedly back into the pool. Either way you cut it, I'm left adrift, not sure which way to turn and feeling unfulfilled and at times like a failure at most junctures.

One of my thoughts regarding regaining some sense of focus was that I need to reclaim or rediscover what it is I'm truly passionate about. What are the things I want to focus on or do in my spare time? What subjects truly interest me? So, I began to think about what books are on my to-buy shelf at my workplace. Now, keep in mind that I work for a full-bore Christian retail outlet so that'll be reflected but, just for kicks, here's what there:

Postmodernity by Lakeland
Shopping Malls and Other Sacred Spaces by Pahl
The Prymer by Webber
The Jesus Creed by McKnight
What Does the Bible Really Say About Hell? by Klassen
The Suburban Christian by Hsu
Practitioners by Russinger and Field
Letters to a Diminished Church by Sayers
Selected Writings by Eckhart
Divine Nobodies by Palmer
Hood by Lawhead
Penguins and Golden Calves by L'Engle
Everyday Theology by Vanhoozer
Entertainment Theology by Taylor
Jesus for President by Claiborne
The New Christians by Jones

It's a decent list and within the simple content there I see a thread of love, of hope, and interest in the Church. Yet, like many, I can't return to the church of my youth. As much as I'm thankful for the experiences there, I can't go back. I want to be part of the bigger picture, of the true vision Christ has set out there. And, something tells me, that doesn't take place in big buildings with flashy lights and all the glitz and glamour. Rather, it takes place in the trenches, among the least of these. I long for direction. I long for courage. I long for peace and rest. I long for Him.