So it's officially 3:21 AM and yes, I am awake. I don't wish to be awake; in fact, I wish that I was snug in my bed, dreaming of a fluffy cloud land and various nighttime pleasures while allowing my body some much needed rest but, alas, I am not in control of the universe. Actually, I'm finding that I'm in less and less control of pretty damn near everything these days and it's driving me a little crazy. That, and that pesky early mid-life crisis thing and the fact that I can find zero time to myself these days.
I don't mean to be cranky but, like I said, it is 3 in the morning and well, I'm just not all sunshine and roses right now. I think that part of this bit of insomnia is simply my brain working overtime, pondering, thinking, compiling. It's frustrating, this particular phase of life. I want to have some greater sense of direction, of knowing at least which way is North. Yet, I feel like I've landed in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle and am watching my compass spin wildly with abandon. And I hardly have time to even look at it.
In good Christian fashion, because I always have to assume the possibility that my sleeplessness is being caused by Someone greater than me, I turned to the bible this early, early morning to see if God had something to say. I guess, in a way, he did. Here's the passage I ended up with:
Ephesians 1:22-23 (The Voice) : "God has placed all things beneath His feet and anointed Him as the head over all things for His church. This church is His body, the fullness of the One who fills all in all."
There was more prior but, well, I don't feel like typing it all out right now. Suffice it to say that it was a prayer of the Apostle Paul for the church at Ephesus to embrace the wisdom of God and so on. I want to embrace the wisdom. I want to be a part of something. But something is holding me back. Is it pride? I don't know, maybe. Is it fear? In some ways, yes. I don't want to experience the hurt again. I just don't know.
Yet, I know I have to do something about it. Erin shared with me last night that she really misses being in church. My kids need to be in church. Yet, here I stand, reluctant. Why is it that I can love God yet find His people and places so frustrating? I know it's not fair to paint all believers with so wide a brush but I just see so much crap. And I know I contribute my share as well.
God help us all.
Showing posts with label Church. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Church. Show all posts
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Thursday, December 04, 2008
My Great Heaviness
I'm sensing a theme here as of late within my updated blogs and it seems to be one of heaviness. There's a sense of weight, and an ensuing fatigue that seems to be following me here as of late. I'm not entirely sure why that is but it certainly seems to be holding fast.
This week, it's been the idea of "church" that's been looming over my head. Perhaps it's the time of year, this remembrance of the Incarnation and it's beauty that makes me long for renewal, for that true sense of community. I don't know but the concept, or at the very least our lack of involvement in the concept, keeps nagging me.
"Maybe you're afraid," you're thinking. You're right; I am. There is definitely a part of me that is scared to dive back into that fracas. We were wounded by the institution, something I keep trying to lay down and constantly find myself picking back up, absentminedly running my hands over the scars, but that's not entirely it. I'm just not sure where I stand anymore.
We've been to church off and on since our ministry time, and in those times have tried our best to be faithful to the fellowship we were attending, present time excluded, of course. Yet, in those times, we just haven't been able to connect. And truthfully, it just feels hollow, wasteful, almost worthless. Yet, there are all of these other people who lock in, who seem to get "plugged in" and have these life-changing experiences. And this is coming out of communities that (yes this is spoken with cynicism) by and large tend toward fairly shallow teaching and the like. What gives?
I realize that I've just entered into a rambling state here (truly the mark of a great writer) yet bear with me. Yes, part of me is scared. Yes, as I approach the entrance to the building, my chest tightens up and my defenses go up, to some degree. Yet, there's more. There's an idealogical change that's taken place in me over the past several years that I can't quite put words to yet will here in this meandering blog.
I'm not sure that I believe in the institutional church anymore. I love people, usually, but I'm fed up with our services, our programs, and our events. They're not what God has called us to. We're called to live our lives out together, sharing and, here's the biggie, caring for not only one another but for the "least of these." While some may point to XXX retreat that they just did or XXX small group or XXX event that was just held with the purpose of doing that, it just doesn't seem to be the overall heartbeat anymore. Service and love can't be contained in a program or an event; sure they can be part of them sometimes but just because you've held this event doesn't mean you've hit your quota. It's a lifestyle!
Add to that our certainty, our obnoxious "I've got it figured out and you don't" mentality that allows us to decide the eternal fate of others based solely upon a few questions and I'm just not sure I fit in anymore. Yet, what else is there? Do we simply leave the team, joining free agency and hoping to find something better? That's not really my style. Yet, what do we do? What do I do? Thus far, I feel as though I've been wearing concrete shoes and long for something meaningful, something of worth. And I do feel as though I've something to give, something to offer that will make a difference. But where? How?
Forgive the over the top rambling but, like I said, just feeling a little heavy today...
This week, it's been the idea of "church" that's been looming over my head. Perhaps it's the time of year, this remembrance of the Incarnation and it's beauty that makes me long for renewal, for that true sense of community. I don't know but the concept, or at the very least our lack of involvement in the concept, keeps nagging me.
"Maybe you're afraid," you're thinking. You're right; I am. There is definitely a part of me that is scared to dive back into that fracas. We were wounded by the institution, something I keep trying to lay down and constantly find myself picking back up, absentminedly running my hands over the scars, but that's not entirely it. I'm just not sure where I stand anymore.
We've been to church off and on since our ministry time, and in those times have tried our best to be faithful to the fellowship we were attending, present time excluded, of course. Yet, in those times, we just haven't been able to connect. And truthfully, it just feels hollow, wasteful, almost worthless. Yet, there are all of these other people who lock in, who seem to get "plugged in" and have these life-changing experiences. And this is coming out of communities that (yes this is spoken with cynicism) by and large tend toward fairly shallow teaching and the like. What gives?
I realize that I've just entered into a rambling state here (truly the mark of a great writer) yet bear with me. Yes, part of me is scared. Yes, as I approach the entrance to the building, my chest tightens up and my defenses go up, to some degree. Yet, there's more. There's an idealogical change that's taken place in me over the past several years that I can't quite put words to yet will here in this meandering blog.
I'm not sure that I believe in the institutional church anymore. I love people, usually, but I'm fed up with our services, our programs, and our events. They're not what God has called us to. We're called to live our lives out together, sharing and, here's the biggie, caring for not only one another but for the "least of these." While some may point to XXX retreat that they just did or XXX small group or XXX event that was just held with the purpose of doing that, it just doesn't seem to be the overall heartbeat anymore. Service and love can't be contained in a program or an event; sure they can be part of them sometimes but just because you've held this event doesn't mean you've hit your quota. It's a lifestyle!
Add to that our certainty, our obnoxious "I've got it figured out and you don't" mentality that allows us to decide the eternal fate of others based solely upon a few questions and I'm just not sure I fit in anymore. Yet, what else is there? Do we simply leave the team, joining free agency and hoping to find something better? That's not really my style. Yet, what do we do? What do I do? Thus far, I feel as though I've been wearing concrete shoes and long for something meaningful, something of worth. And I do feel as though I've something to give, something to offer that will make a difference. But where? How?
Forgive the over the top rambling but, like I said, just feeling a little heavy today...
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Answered Prayer?
For the better part of my life, I've lived and been part of an institution that I've always felt was in need of improvement. While generally being a "glass is half-full" kind of guy with the other elements of life, my time in churches has always been stressed by my desire to think through and analyze things, seeking to grow and to change. Plus, it didn't hurt that I grew up in a really conservative "KJV-only" kind of church and then moved on to a Southern Baptist congregation as a youth pastor. These are not the sort of people generally given, and I realize I'm painting with a wide brush, to innovation and change. During those days, I remember having sundry conversations with friends in which I wrestled with and lamented the state of "The Church" and longed for change. Like many young people in similar circumstances, my initial prayers and frustrations stemmed from externals, worship styles, perceived dress codes, and such. But, while these still remained concerns, as I grew older and in knowledge, more and more, deeper elements of thought came into play and I realized that what was needed was not a facelift but, pardon the cheesy phrase, a heartlift.
Fast forward to the present. Recently, my family and I joined a church after about three years or so of floating. Our floating came at the difficult end of four years of youth ministry, a story that I believe I've documented at an earlier time. In those years, I continued to pray, to think, and to deconstruct and I can honestly say that my thoughts and views have changed quite a bit from the past. Which makes our current situation a bit unique.
Our new home at Bayside Community Church is one that, five years ago, would have been a dream come true. It's a growing, thriving, young church with passionate leaders and rousing worship times. The pastor is a dynamic personality, speaking generally on topics that are readily applicable. My son loves his church time and is just jazzed every time he sees the hyperactive children's pastor. They pray for other churches in the area, which to me is a beautiful thing. Relationships are touted and encouraged left and right and the small group ministry is pitched as the hub of the church. A legitimate evening of prayer even frames the week for the church, allowing members and church leaders to come together in intercession for personal requests and the local community. These are all great things.
Yet, as I've said, a lot has occurred in the last couple of years. Truthfully, I've lost a lot of faith in the current state of church and particularly in churches as large as Bayside. It's an unfair assessment as people seem to generally be getting a lot out of things but I can't help feeling frustrated. My training from college as well as reading and thinking I've done about the state of both Christianity and the Church has me wrestling with so many elements within. I've even found myself questioning the use of disposable plastic cups for the Saturday evening pizza they serve after service as a reflection of how we view environmental concerns. Sometimes I think I've just flipped my lid and others I generally wonder if I've lost my faith. I don't possess the same fervor as I once did but I'm not sure that I want to feel that way again. I want genuine, authentic, passionate community that oozes depth and the glory of the goodness of God.
So, I continue to struggle, both with myself, with the church, and even with my wife. Yet, I can't seem to turn off my mind when it comes to these topics. I'm not intentionally trying to do this. I just can't get away from my thoughts of how things could be and wondering if perhaps they should be. I don't know if I'm missing God's blessing of answered prayer or am in a place where I'm called to be a catalyst for change...
Fast forward to the present. Recently, my family and I joined a church after about three years or so of floating. Our floating came at the difficult end of four years of youth ministry, a story that I believe I've documented at an earlier time. In those years, I continued to pray, to think, and to deconstruct and I can honestly say that my thoughts and views have changed quite a bit from the past. Which makes our current situation a bit unique.
Our new home at Bayside Community Church is one that, five years ago, would have been a dream come true. It's a growing, thriving, young church with passionate leaders and rousing worship times. The pastor is a dynamic personality, speaking generally on topics that are readily applicable. My son loves his church time and is just jazzed every time he sees the hyperactive children's pastor. They pray for other churches in the area, which to me is a beautiful thing. Relationships are touted and encouraged left and right and the small group ministry is pitched as the hub of the church. A legitimate evening of prayer even frames the week for the church, allowing members and church leaders to come together in intercession for personal requests and the local community. These are all great things.
Yet, as I've said, a lot has occurred in the last couple of years. Truthfully, I've lost a lot of faith in the current state of church and particularly in churches as large as Bayside. It's an unfair assessment as people seem to generally be getting a lot out of things but I can't help feeling frustrated. My training from college as well as reading and thinking I've done about the state of both Christianity and the Church has me wrestling with so many elements within. I've even found myself questioning the use of disposable plastic cups for the Saturday evening pizza they serve after service as a reflection of how we view environmental concerns. Sometimes I think I've just flipped my lid and others I generally wonder if I've lost my faith. I don't possess the same fervor as I once did but I'm not sure that I want to feel that way again. I want genuine, authentic, passionate community that oozes depth and the glory of the goodness of God.
So, I continue to struggle, both with myself, with the church, and even with my wife. Yet, I can't seem to turn off my mind when it comes to these topics. I'm not intentionally trying to do this. I just can't get away from my thoughts of how things could be and wondering if perhaps they should be. I don't know if I'm missing God's blessing of answered prayer or am in a place where I'm called to be a catalyst for change...
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