Dreams, Goals, and Reality

The past several weeks and I might even say, months, have found me pondering the ideas of dreams and goals and, yes, reality. It's funny how many dreams we have when we're growing up. I remember wanting to be a fireman (who didn't!), an astronaut, and more. There were so many dreams then and they all seem so far away now. What is it about time that steals away our propensity to dream? Is it that we find ourselves suddenly adults, with responsibilities and jobs and the like that causes us to lay our dreams aside to simply pay the piper? Or is it something more, perhaps even something more sinister that sneaks in to steal our hearts and drive us to monotony?

I'm not really sure of the answer but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's a hybrid of both. It's true that some of our dreams fall prey to others and that the golden age of adulthood often finds us more disillusioned than inspired. Yet, I also believe that we do wrestle against things that are unseen, and that this particular enemy is not thrilled with us pursuing our dreams. He'd rather us lie listless, unimaginative, and virtually dead. I also think that many times we're our own worse enemy, allowing negative thoughts and those ideas of "I'm too old" or "I'm past that stage of my life" to derail us from some things that we truly crave.

As I've pondered this, I've sat back and tried to recapture some of those dreams of my youth and to really ask myself what dreams I have now, if any. In places that I haven't found any, I'm trying to reignite my imagination, bringing dreams to bear. Yet, there are a few older dreams that still linger from the past and those I'm silently working to plot a course to fulfill. We are not our age. And, for those of us who call ourselves Christ-followers, we are not necessarily held to the confines of this world either. The sky is the limit where God is concerned. I'm just excited to see what the sky really looks like.

Wow...

This picture from PostSecret really resonated with me today. Check out the PostSecret site for some amazing art and confessions. It's a very powerful and very interesting experiment!

Vision and Initiative

Just last week, on a proposed "date night", my wife and I found ourselves having an emotionally draining and difficult discussion. Much of our conversation centered upon aspects of our current life. Neither of us really feels that this is where our "five-year-plan" really initially aimed for, especially as relates to my current situation. The honest truth is that I'm working a dead-end job that has no real potential nor significant financial contribution even. The result is that we're a bit on the poor side and find ourselves stressed not only by the monetary strain but also by the emotional, physical, spiritual, and whatever else side weaves it's way within.

On the other side of that coin is my struggle with the Church. Some may question how this plays a part in the discussion but it's truly integrated, especially given that at one time my desire was to work from within the Church, serving in that capacity. Now, I'm not so sure that I fit there anymore and that leaves things in a bit of a lurch. The thing that I honestly had to unpack to Erin was simply the uncertainty I have regarding the future right now and that "I really don't know what to do."

So, with this dialogue as fuel last week, I've been doing a lot of thinking, praying, and contemplating on our past, present, and future. And the conclusion that I've come to as of late is that I need to honestly ask myself what my dreams are, what my goals are, where my desires lie. This sounds like a simple thing, and for many it is, but for me, it's a dangerous question. I desperately want to be in the will of God and also want to be fulfilled in the career path I choose. And while I understand that the two will go hand in hand, the road down the path is a slippery and scary one for me. I'm afraid that I'll find myself trudging down a predictable path of financial security, which is not necessarily a bad thing, yet laying aside my heart and life. I am petrified of working for work's sake, of slaving over something that I don't believe in. That's part of my current frustration, particularly as over the years I've come to resent much of the Christian retail market.

And through all of that, I'm asking myself questions. What are my dreams now? What are my goals? What are my talents? And, perhaps most importantly, how can I utilize them to truly achieve those things I dream about? I don't know the answers to these questions yet but, somewhere deep down inside, I feel like I'm starting out on the right path for the first time in a long time.

Wednesday's Prayer

This past Wednesday, we went to our church's monthly mid-week service, appropriately called "First Wednesday". This was my one-sided dialogue with God.

"I've lost the sense of experience that should accompany worship. As I write, I listen to one gentleman behind me praising spontaneously; beside me one of the pastors falls to his knees, arms raised in abject worship, tears flowing freely. I don't have that. I know what You've done, I know that You've shown us the Way, The Way of peace and love. But, I don't know. I guess maybe I'm bitter...But I don't really think it's that. I truly think that maybe it's just...Well, I was going to say afraid, and that's part of it, afraid of being hurt, of being so deeply wounded by that which I truly love so dearly. But it's even more than that. Some days I even question You! Your grace once fit into a system; it made sense. But as I grow, as I get older and reflect more, I'm confused. I mean, and You know I've been thinking about this lately, but my greatest sins have come after my so-called "salvation". My iniquity has been in full view of You and, truthfully, I've known better. And, here's the kicker, I know I'm forgiven. I even, to some degree, know You love me. But God, as fucking childlike as it sounds, I want to feel it! And as I sit here now, with my wife I know wanting peace for me, I long for You! But, I'm just not sure this is even me anymore."

Answered Prayer?

For the better part of my life, I've lived and been part of an institution that I've always felt was in need of improvement. While generally being a "glass is half-full" kind of guy with the other elements of life, my time in churches has always been stressed by my desire to think through and analyze things, seeking to grow and to change. Plus, it didn't hurt that I grew up in a really conservative "KJV-only" kind of church and then moved on to a Southern Baptist congregation as a youth pastor. These are not the sort of people generally given, and I realize I'm painting with a wide brush, to innovation and change. During those days, I remember having sundry conversations with friends in which I wrestled with and lamented the state of "The Church" and longed for change. Like many young people in similar circumstances, my initial prayers and frustrations stemmed from externals, worship styles, perceived dress codes, and such. But, while these still remained concerns, as I grew older and in knowledge, more and more, deeper elements of thought came into play and I realized that what was needed was not a facelift but, pardon the cheesy phrase, a heartlift.

Fast forward to the present. Recently, my family and I joined a church after about three years or so of floating. Our floating came at the difficult end of four years of youth ministry, a story that I believe I've documented at an earlier time. In those years, I continued to pray, to think, and to deconstruct and I can honestly say that my thoughts and views have changed quite a bit from the past. Which makes our current situation a bit unique.

Our new home at Bayside Community Church is one that, five years ago, would have been a dream come true. It's a growing, thriving, young church with passionate leaders and rousing worship times. The pastor is a dynamic personality, speaking generally on topics that are readily applicable. My son loves his church time and is just jazzed every time he sees the hyperactive children's pastor. They pray for other churches in the area, which to me is a beautiful thing. Relationships are touted and encouraged left and right and the small group ministry is pitched as the hub of the church. A legitimate evening of prayer even frames the week for the church, allowing members and church leaders to come together in intercession for personal requests and the local community. These are all great things.

Yet, as I've said, a lot has occurred in the last couple of years. Truthfully, I've lost a lot of faith in the current state of church and particularly in churches as large as Bayside. It's an unfair assessment as people seem to generally be getting a lot out of things but I can't help feeling frustrated. My training from college as well as reading and thinking I've done about the state of both Christianity and the Church has me wrestling with so many elements within. I've even found myself questioning the use of disposable plastic cups for the Saturday evening pizza they serve after service as a reflection of how we view environmental concerns. Sometimes I think I've just flipped my lid and others I generally wonder if I've lost my faith. I don't possess the same fervor as I once did but I'm not sure that I want to feel that way again. I want genuine, authentic, passionate community that oozes depth and the glory of the goodness of God.

So, I continue to struggle, both with myself, with the church, and even with my wife. Yet, I can't seem to turn off my mind when it comes to these topics. I'm not intentionally trying to do this. I just can't get away from my thoughts of how things could be and wondering if perhaps they should be. I don't know if I'm missing God's blessing of answered prayer or am in a place where I'm called to be a catalyst for change...

I Heart Fishing

When I was growing up, fishing was a pasttime that my father and I attempted to share. I was always one who enjoyed rod and reel fishing, particularly freshwater fishing. I loved the peace and quiet and having the opportunity to experience nature, watching the waves lap against the shore or the edge of the boat. I liked keeping my eyes open for all varieties of wildlife that might make themselves seen and really just dug the time with my Dad. My Dad was more of a castnet kind of guy, particularly given his passion for mullet fishing. Sadly, this was something that I never really latched onto. I tried, and to this day if you asked me I could throw a net for you. My problem was seeing the fish. This was not an easy task and, well, to my father's great sadness, I just never quite caught on.

Well, as a short glance down the page will show, my son and I have taken up fishing. I'd forgotten how much I really enjoyed the experience of being outside, of watching my bobber (yes, we're fishing old-school!) float across the surface of that water, and especially of having my son beside me learning. Now Tyler's not necessarily clued in all that well, and he tends to have more fun casting, then handing the pole to me to do the actual fishing so he can down a popsicle or rummage through the tackle box. Either way, I love the time I get to spend with him.

And, tonight, my son caught his first legitimate fish. While we're referring to the pic below as Tyler's actual catch, tonight was the real deal. Granted, it happened sort of by accident, as Tyler was holding the pole for a rare second while I baited our other pole's hook but when the bobber dove under the surface of the water and I hollered for him to reel, Tyler drew in our whopper of the evening. I'm going to say it. I'm a proud papa. I love my son. He's an amazing kid who continues to teach me each and every day. This morning he reminded me that he loves me. I hope he remembers that when he's sixteen...

Thirty-One

Yup, you read that right. In just about twenty or so minutes, I'll cross that irreversible moment in time where I move from the ill-fated thirty to thirty one. For so many, moving from their twenties into the land of thirtysomethings is the tough transition. I'm different for some reason. Thirty, while a bit weighty, was pretty much a breeze. But shifting into thirty-one? Now that's a different story.

I'm not entirely sure why that is but I think a lot of it has to deal with the fact that I'm in a place that I didn't see on my coveted ten-to-fifteen year plan out of high school. Oh, sure, I've checked off a few things that were on the list, things like getting married and having a few munchkins but, well, I guess I just didn't see things panning out this way so far. I mean, I suppose I had these thoughts of, say, home ownership or, well, maybe a fulfilling career. Thus far, nada. Plus, I've had to go back and erase points that I thought I'd achieved, points of certainty and of having things figured out. It turns out, the older I get, the less I'm really certain of.

One thing I am certain of is that I do love my family, my friends, and my God. That God looks a little different in my mind than perhaps He once did but I still cherish that relationship. And my kids and my wife make the world for me. As I watch them grow, in ways both physical and otherwise, it challenges, frightens, and encourages me to be a part of their lives. I don't know, maybe thirty-one will bring a much needed breath of fresh air. Maybe it'll bring more crap that I didn't plan on. Either way, I'm sure it can only be more interesting...

Just an FYI...Here's some folks that share/have shared my Aug. 21st b'day:

Count Basie

Gene Roddenberry

Joe Strummer

Kim Cattrall

Jim McMahon

Carrie-Anne Moss

Take that August 19th!

He Just Won't Wipe

Okay, don't let the headline scare you away. This will actually make sense. Last night I wandered into the bedroom to brush my teeth and prepare for bed when I happened a glance into the toilet. I was greeted with an image that I'll simply leave to your imagination but suffice it to say that it aligns itself with a number slightly more than "one". I recalled, at this pivotal moment, Tyler running into the living room after he'd been put to bed in order to inform us of his need to "go potty". (By the way, that's one of the key elements to knowing you're a parent: using the word "potty") I had thought little of it, and was actually a little proud when he did that as we're still battling with Pull-Ups. His acknowledgement of needing to go while in bed was a good thing. But the picture greeting me in the bowl was not.

Most conspicuous was the lack of any toilet paper floating in the water. I sighed. This, sadly, is not particularly unusual. Tyler has an unfortunate penchant for speeding in and out of the bathroom without stopping for that critical moment of clean-up. It's a difficult thing for us to deal with as parents but, we're dealing. I shook my head, flushed the toilet, and headed to bed.

Later, though, as I lay there, I began to think a bit about that situation. Why does Tyler have a problem with doing that? Is it just, well, gross, to him? I could see that. Truthfully, are any of us particularly jazzed about that act? Sure, it's necessary but it's really not all that, exciting. It's a dirty, nasty job, but as the old adage goes, somebody's got to do it. Hmmm.

Sometimes I think my life is like this. I am not one to shy away from a tough job, but sometimes I don't want to get down in the muck and mire. Even more so, as I wrestle with reimagining issues of theology and apply them to life, I see myself compelled to dip down into the muck of society, to associate with those that I don't see eye to eye with, and whose lives are, at least seemingly, different than mine. Truthfully, one of the toughest areas for me to deal with this as of late has been in my interactions with fellow Christians, especially at church. It's ironic, really, that having grown up in church I now feel more an outsider than before. I'm not really sure how to deal with it but, the one thing I feel certain of, is that I'm going to have to dig in and grin and bear it. I love the Church, but sometimes the people that are part of it drive me crazy. Either way, I'm taking along a lot of Charmin.

You Be Hating..?

I'll never stop being amazed at the perception and intuition of our little ones. As my son was preparing to head out the door with his grandmother to go to preschool, here's the conversation that transpired:

Tyler: "Daddy, are you going to go to work today?"
Me: "Yeah, Daddy's going to go get ready in just a minute."
Tyler: "Are you be hating it?"
Me (a little taken aback but honest): "Yeah, some days Daddy does."
Tyler, walking out the door w/Mee-Maw: "Daddy be hating his work..."

It's a dark thing, a painful thing, and a weird thing to acknowledge that this is true. I've hit the place in my "professional career" where I really hate my job. Now, I don't hate the people and I don't even hate the work all the time but I hate the fact that it's just not, well, me. I don't feel complete in what I'm doing. As I spoke with a distant friend recently about this, he put it succinctly: "You're not buying what you're selling." Yup, kids, thats about the size of it.

While acknowledging a place for Christian retail, I realize that I personally am fed up with it. I'm tired of Jesus fish, Jesus shirts, Jesus lamps, and all other assorted and sundry Jesus junk. I believe that we are feeding into the already materialistic and consumer-crazed monolith that is already wreaking havoc on our society and I am tired of being a part of it. At least thats the big ideaological side of it. The other side of the picture is that I don't feel, and I hate to use this word but, called, or perhaps a better word is fulfilled, in what I'm doing there. I feel as though I'm sitting on both knowledge and talent without the forum to use them there and it's driving me crazy. So, yes, I guess, at least some days, I "be hating it."

Thinking About Systems

Recently, as the headline says, I've been pondering the power of systems. I'm going to try and explain what I'm talking about but I fear that I'll fall far short of what I'm really trying to get at unlike. Undoubtedly, I've some friends who could put this into words a bit better as they're a hair farther down the road than I but I'm going to give it the old college try.

What I've been working at, I suppose, is a bit of good 'ole deconstruction. It hasn't been a conscious decision, at least initially, but now I've sort of acknowledged it and have run with it. Let me give an example of what I'm talking about. Many, if not most of us, deal with things in the short term. We get up, shower, do whatever else it takes to get ready, head to work, slave in the office, fight our way home to play with our kids and eat dinner and rest up so we can do it all again. The trick comes when we begin to fine tune the lens a bit, to magnify things to point out certain details. One such detail that's really stood out to me as of late surrounds the concepts of ecology and sustainability.

For the better part of my life, I've used plastic, styrofoam, and whatever other materials I've needed because they served my needs. They eliminated the need for doing dishes, saved me time, and just simplified my life. Good stuff, right? However, as I've pondered systems, I've come to think of things a bit differently. Yes, these conveniences might aid me in the short term, but what am I becoming complicit in? Is my use of such materials having any sort of negative effect on the world? And, to take it a step further, is my engagement of such things honoring or neglecting the faith I claim to hold?

Now, this seems a simple issue. Life is busy, hectic, and maddening at times. These products are cheap and provide a handy service. But, I have to deconstruct things and say that while, sure, they provide a service, they also promote many negatives. What negatives? Well, let's begin with the ecological expense, from the simple decomposition rates as well as the environmental footprint left to simply dispose of it. Then back up even further and consider the fact that if we keep on this way, we're gonna need more which is going to necessitate the production of more and more which will release how many more harmful toxins into our air and ecosystem, leaving a less-than-wonderful world for my children to inherit. Again, taking it that step further, what does it say about me that I'm more apt to be a consumer than one who is taking God's creation seriously, honoring it and seeking to beautify and add to it as opposed to poison it?

This is just one system that I've been mentally deconstructing, "in my free time." There are clearly more that my mind has touched on, political, religious, theological, and more. But this is a healthy process, I believe, one that will open me up to more possibilities as to what the world may hold.

Lyrics Mirroring Life

Ever have one of those moments when either a new song or an old song pop into your head, perfectly capturing the moment of life you're in? Here's mine today:

We Gotta Get Out of This Place - The Animals

In this dirty old part of the city

Where the sun refused to shine

People tell me there ain't no use in tryin'

Now my girl you're so young and pretty

And one thing I know is true

You'll be dead before your time is due, I know

Watch my daddy in bed a-dyin'

Watched his hair been turnin' grey

He's been workin' and slavin' his life away

Oh yes I know it (Yeah!)

He's been workin' so hard (Yeah!)

I've been workin' too, baby (Yeah!)

Every night and day (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!)

We gotta get out of this place

If it's the last thing we ever do

We gotta get out of this place

'cause girl, there's a better life for me and you

Now my girl you're so young and pretty

And one thing I know is true, yeah

You'll be dead before your time is due, I know it

Watch my daddy in bed a-dyin'

Watched his hair been turnin' grey, yeah

He's been workin' and slavin' his life away

I know he's been workin' so hard (Yeah!)

I've been workin' too, baby (Yeah!)

Every day baby (Yeah!)

Whoa! (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!)

We gotta get out of this place

If it's the last thing we ever do

We gotta get out of this place

Girl, there's a better life for me and you

Somewhere baby, somehow I know it

We gotta get out of this place

If it's the last thing we ever do

We gotta get out of this place

Girl, there's a better life for me and you

Believe me baby I know it baby

You know it too

'Nuff said? It's been one of those days.

Stranger in a Strange Land

Lately I've been wandering through a strange place, a place that feels as though I have no home. There is nowhere to lay my head, to sit and rest, to call my own. Instead, I feel trapped, insecure, and afraid. The circle of my life swirls around me, dizzying, and I feel overwhelmed. Home holds no rest, no security for it is not mine. Church provides more pain than peace and I find the tears of the past well up within me. Even the most simple of pursuits, work, has become a place where I feel more like a temp than a longtime fixture. It's disconcerting.

One friend has encouraged me to learn my place as a permanent exile/stranger in this land. Still another has exhorted me to rejoice within my pilgrim journey. I've found these to be fitting analogies to where I feel myself going. I do feel exiled from that past I once knew. Parts of me, at times, long for the simplicity of a dogmatic youth, an existence that found peace and contentment within the colors of a black and white world. Yet, the rainbows of the prism have been unleashed within my mind and this is simply not something to be forgotten or cast aside. Yet the longing persists and I hang my head wondering.

It's ironic, really. I haven't, as some may surmise, lost my faith in Christ. Rather, I've lost my faith in Christianity and in many of those who would consider themselves to be it's adherents. The faith I once held dear, that faith of my youth, has been found wanting. The problem comes with the fact that we've stolen the name of Jesus and replaced it with rules, laws, and dogma. We've painted Jesus into a picture of Republican politics, consumer-minded materialism, and bumper sticker religion. I long for a faith that once again plumbs the depths, that touches the hem of the garment of the Divine, and again allows me that sense of peace and fulfillment.

That same friend who referred to me as an exile also exhorted me to stay close to the Sermon on the Mount. Let me leave you with the Beatitudes:

Matthew 5:1-11(NIV) Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them saying: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Bona Fide

There's a great moment within the movie, O Brother Where Art Thou, wherein George Clooney's character has a quick discussion with one of his estranged daughters. It goes something like this:

Ulysses Everett McGill: I am the only daddy you got! I'm the damn paterfamilias!
Wharvey Gal: But you ain't bona fide!

Well, unlike Mr. McGill, I've become bona fide. Genuine-like. I am now, officially, a professional freelance writer. Sure, sure, I've made a few dollars via my work on Associated Content but the majority of my work has been done with the sole purpose of getting my name out there, getting some free stuff, and garnering some good practice. But now, ladies and gentlemen, I've actually received a check! Woo hoo!

"From who?" you ask. Well let me tell you. My good friend and Mr. Miyagi-styled editor and writing mentor Matt is taking on a new venture with Stereo Subversion. We're launching the site on August 13th and I can't be more excited. The site is geared around the pursuit and exposure of what we're simply calling meaningful music. Check us out at Stereo Subversion on the 13th! Tell your friends!

Landmarks and Remembrances

Y'know, if you read through the Bible, people were always erecting some sort of landmark as a memento of sorts of some sort of thing that God had brought them through. Whether or not it was some sort of big battle that had been won or was simply being able to ford a river or whatever, the people of God were always intent on gathering some stones and building some sort of structure to be able to look back to as evidence of God's working in their lives. Even the Bible in itself calls us to read it and remember, to engage these things of God as history and realize that He is in fact out and about.

Well, I've been going through some stuff, more or less internally, and am finding myself in one of those spiritually dry spots. St. John of the Cross refers to it as a "dark night of the soul"; others as just a funk. Either way, I'm fighting those thoughts that, instead of making their way to the Pearly Gates, my prayers and instead being ping-ponged back to me courtesy of our ceiling. Bible reading proves dry and even some spiritual reading that I like to do has seemed just, well, dry. As such, I've tried to follow that biblical mandate of "remembering", of looking back to the signposts and landmarks left along the path of my journey. The problem is, I don't think I'm seeing what I'm supposed to be seeing.

Instead of looking and seeing the small structures erected that declare, "God did this", or "Remember when He stepped in and did this", I'm instead seeing a littered pile of stones along the way back that instead call out, "Remember when you screwed this up?!" Sure, I have those few landmarks that all good Christ-followers are supposed to have, marks of conversion and such, and I do realize that there are more that I'm simply blind to in these moments, but I'm finding that those good things are shadowed over so heavily by my failures. Now, a good thinking Christian will take the tact that, well, I'm saved and am therefore forgiven of all wrongdoing. The righteousness of Christ has been imputed to me and that when God the Father looks down upon me, He does not see my faults but rather the glory and beauty that His Son has placed upon me. And I agree with this theology.

The problem is that, well, existentialist that I am, I don't feel very forgiven right now. I feel more like a failure than a success. This place is not where I'm supposed to be. Of course, it can again be argued that I'm right where I'm supposed to be; that God has placed me in this place for reasons that only He knows. And again, I acknowledge and agree with the theological truth inherent. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. I just need some piece of grace to fall my way, to remind me that it all really does make sense in the end.

Relevant Wisdom

Some time ago, I ran across this very cool magazine for twentysomethings called RELEVANT. It was trendy, cool, and had some very thoughtful and challenging pieces as well. I was hooked. So I've been reading ever since. For a long time I just picked it up at the local bookstore but eventually relented, particularly since I realized it was tons cheaper, and subscribed. Well, my subscription ended with the last issue, May/June, and with our move and everything we forgot/were too poor/lost the paperwork/had enough trouble remembering where we'd put all our stuff to renew it. So, the other night, a bit overwhelmed with children, I left them home with my wife on a mission to buy some much needed Pull-Ups but detoured along the way and picked up a copy of the new issue.

I'm so glad I did. It's a great issue but two things in particular just kind of caught me right this time and I thought I'd share them here. The first was ironically the editor's letter, called the "First Word", from founder Cameron Strang. Cameron writes:

"How many of us have felt that optimistic determination that we're going to change the world? And how many - be honest - have had difficulty sustaining it? Inevitably, things don't turn out the way we hope, and "real world" things - school loans, marriage, kids, mortgages - pull us away from huge passions that once steered our lives. So what do we do? Do we succumb to the reality of settling? Or do we find ways to stay true to the passions God instilled deep within us?"

Okay, read my blogpost before this and I think we have that answer. But Cameron continues with some good advice:

"Distractions and responsibilities are inevitable. Things will not happen the way we think they will. But if we still believe in the things we once did, it's up to us to still go out and fight for our convictions.

And we need to start now. We don't have to wait until things are perfect. You may be working some sucky 9-to-5 to pay the bills, but that doesn't need to define your future...Don't let your circumstances dictate your future. Don't lose sight of what God has put inside of you...The future will be determined by people who will chase their dreams and stand up for what they believe in, come what may. If we're unwavering in our convictions, keep our focus on God and do whatever it takes, well, that's how revolutions are started. And sustained."

Good words, Cam. Good words. And I need to hear them so, thank you.

In the same issue, RELEVANT featured an interview with one of my favorite authors of all time, Anne Lamott. Lamott's writing has left quite an impression upon my life and has enabled me to see through an entirely new lens so this was very cool to read. I just want to share one quick quote that she offers up in the interview:

"You don't deepen your relationship with Christ with books; you do it by showing up with other people who are taking care of the poorest, hungriest and most marginalized. If you want to find where Jesus is, you'll find Him close to the poorest of the poor, the suffering, the terrorized people."

Just good stuff. Thanks, RELEVANT.

And as a side note, if you're not a reader/subscriber, you should be. Head over to their site and check it out. And for bonus fun, log onto itunes and subscribe to their podcast too. Features some good interviews, music, and well, all around hilarity.

The Hulk Within

This has been an interesting day. It's been one of those days where it feels like the weight of the world has decided to take a break upon your shoulders. I can't really explain why but as I've had more and more time (it was a REALLY long day) to sort of reflect, I've noticed one thing about myself. Now, I'm sure that this is true of most people and whatnot but today I truly latched onto it as my own. Here's the big realization: When I get tired, it affects all of me.

Now this sounds simple in principle and I'm surely not the only one who reacts this way, but I've just really noticed, perhaps more and more, that as my fatigue level rises, I begin to struggle in more aspects than just being sleepy. My spiritual discernment and strength wane. My temper flares. My patience level, normally pretty strong, slides straight into the trash can. I know that I can't be the only one.

This particular point of fatigue has come, by and large, courtesy of my darling children Tyler and Peyton. If you scroll down here and there, you'll see some darling pics of these super kids. But, rest assured, pictures can lie. They're great kids but, well, some days, they can be a bit taxing on old Dad. And recently, Peyton has been having a few issues with sleeping through the night. So, that makes virtually a year with us alternating with getting up every freakin' night, sometimes more than once. On top of that, our slightly ADHD boy has just been trying to push some buttons, testing the waters. We've tried just about every discipline point that we know, some which work and others with lesser results, and it has just left me tired.

On top of that physical and emotional fatigue, I've also found myself pushed for time. Celena and I have spent a fair amount of time gabbing about our search for balance over at the "conversation" and this continues to be a struggle as I wrestle with trying to be a Dad, be a husband, be a son-in-law, an employee, and, most difficultly, a writer. I've had the most difficult trouble carving out space for me. To me, that feels like a very selfish statement to write, and perhaps it is, but I just need that bit of personal time, particuarly for writing. I am driven more and more to write but it's very difficult to establish a rhythm with the flow of these kids and life in general.

It largely ends up having me feel like Bruce Banner, just waiting for The Hulk to emerge. I'm a fairly mild-mannered guy, but the pressure edges in sometimes and I'm just trying to do my best to keep the green guy under wraps. Say a prayer for me if you would...

Recent Tylerisms

Heard as he sat playing with Peyton the other day: "Is the baby our pet? Are we going to keep her?"

Heard at bedtime, as Erin read a "Dora the Explorer" story to Tyler and he and I sat listening:

Erin: "...and then my Mamie said..."
Me: "Mommy..."
Erin: "It's spelled M-A-M-I. That's Mamie!"
Me: "Yeah, but have your ever heard a Spanish kid say, 'Mamie'? I don't think so."
Erin: "Whatever."
Tyler, looking at Erin and then at me, shaking his head: "She's not very good at this."

Nothing But Big Events

Our life has been pretty hectic as of late which may or may not explain my lack of blogging lately. (By the way, please forgive the plethora of review postings prior to this one. Got a little backlogged!) But we've been keeping our heads above water. Life has been a continual adjustment as we live with Erin's parents but we're doing okay. I think we are anyway. There are a few days where things have been, well, tense, but other than that we're hanging in there.


But we've had some biggies going on too that have been sucking up our time too. The first big news is that Erin is finally a college graduate! Yay! Like me, she finished her studies a long, long time ago but had to wait to finally walk. Ironically, her school's business office messed up and come ceremony time, the little folder she got only had a blank sheet of paper in it but all has been resolved and the bonafide diploma is now safe in our possession. I'm so proud of her!




Our second big event was our darling little girl Peyton Brooke's first birthday and party. Just last year Erin was taking a quick trip to the hospital on July 4th for her weekly test and calling me and telling me to get there quick, that we were having a baby that day! How quickly a year has passed! It's crazy but she's an amazing little bundle of joy and we couldn't be happier!

My Inner Willy Loman

Lately, I've been having a case of the willies. Surely you remember reading through Arthur Miller's classic play Death of a Salesman in some high school English course, right? Well, then you surely remember the play's protagonist, Willy Loman. He was the guy who believed himself to have a solid amount of talent and skill yet found himself at the end of his career having to lean on his neighbor and others for handouts and loans. He had gotten to that place where he thought everything was going to be gravy and instead, he couldn't even afford gravy. That's kind of how I've felt lately.

Now, things aren't entirely Willy Loman bad. I'll admit that. But there's something to be said for intuitively knowing and understanding that there is much more you could be doing. That's how I feel, like I could be doing so much more. Yet, at seemingly every step of the way, I find myself hamstrung. Whether it's simply being worn out by the rugrats, burdened by poor choices from far before, or just perhaps not seeing the opportunities, I'm wrestling. I believe in my heart that I have something to offer. I know I do. Yet I find myself crawling through the same deal, day in and day out. And I hate it. I want to be challenged. I want to do something that matters. I want to create a legacy, not be a laughingstock.

I realize that this world is not about money, about things, about accomplishments. And that's truly not what I'm lamenting. While I certainly do desire a slightly more inflated salary than I currently draw, money is not the motivating force for my life. I want that force to be my love for God but that's truthfully something that I'm learning to make more consistent. Thats part of the journey, I believe. But I truly do desire for my life to be intertwined with His purposes that will allow me to truly LIVE, to TASTE, and to SEE. Right now, I think I'm frustratingly bored. I want to reclaim the adventure. I want to reengage in relationships. I want to live my life to it's fullest.

Singing Baritone, Longing for Lead

I grew up on country, oldies, and southern gospel music. The latter, while illiciting a giggle or two from some as I share my affection for it, still holds a near and dear place in my heart. I remember watching as numbers of gospel quartets came through our church over the years, some better than others. We had some come and they performed with tracks, offering up their encouraging blends country soul and gospel twang. Others came with a full band and, as much as you could in an independent Baptist church, rocked the house. But, what set, and continues to set southern gospel music apart from others in my mind is the stellar harmonies that some of the groups could create.

I remember being a little kid, laughing and smiling as the bass went low, the tenor went girly-voice high, the lead soared with power, and the baritone...Well, what did the baritone do? Of course they did something, didn't they? Somewhere in my memory I recall them getting a token solo or two but within the mix of everyone else their voice seems to fade the quickest in memory. The baritone (and as someone who is a huge fan but not necessarily a true student of music, I acknowledge that this may be entirely incorrect) seemed to be the glue that drew the pieces together. His voice hid among the others yet created that platform that helped things to blend into a smooth harmony, one that was simply surreal.

I've found myself feeling like the baritone as of late. I just feel like I'm sort of blending in, really in all phases of my life. Yet, deep within, I long to stand out, to be that charismatic lead singer or at the very least the quirky bass or tenor. I want to do something that matters, that makes someone sit up and say "Whoa!". I consider my writing and ask myself why anyone would even want to read what I have to say. Why would they? And then comes the proverbial question, "

Who am I?"

Now, faithful three, let me first say that I acknowledge that I am someone and that my faith informs me that within the eyes of God that I am indeed someone who is loved and cared for. Yet, tell me that you haven't longed to be that celebrity of sorts, that person surrounded by friends and admirers? I know, I know, a lot of it has to do with perspective. In fact, we'd probably be surprised by who really does look up to us, who thinks highly of us. But, either way, I'm feeling sort of baritone lately. I suppose that what I can do in the meantime is to sing with all my heart, to practice and practice, and work my hardest at glueing those other parts together so that when my solo comes, I'm ready.