Insanity

It's been said that insanity can be defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results. Interesting....

Insomnia

So it's officially 3:21 AM and yes, I am awake. I don't wish to be awake; in fact, I wish that I was snug in my bed, dreaming of a fluffy cloud land and various nighttime pleasures while allowing my body some much needed rest but, alas, I am not in control of the universe. Actually, I'm finding that I'm in less and less control of pretty damn near everything these days and it's driving me a little crazy. That, and that pesky early mid-life crisis thing and the fact that I can find zero time to myself these days.

I don't mean to be cranky but, like I said, it is 3 in the morning and well, I'm just not all sunshine and roses right now. I think that part of this bit of insomnia is simply my brain working overtime, pondering, thinking, compiling. It's frustrating, this particular phase of life. I want to have some greater sense of direction, of knowing at least which way is North. Yet, I feel like I've landed in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle and am watching my compass spin wildly with abandon. And I hardly have time to even look at it.

In good Christian fashion, because I always have to assume the possibility that my sleeplessness is being caused by Someone greater than me, I turned to the bible this early, early morning to see if God had something to say. I guess, in a way, he did. Here's the passage I ended up with:

Ephesians 1:22-23 (The Voice) : "God has placed all things beneath His feet and anointed Him as the head over all things for His church. This church is His body, the fullness of the One who fills all in all."

There was more prior but, well, I don't feel like typing it all out right now. Suffice it to say that it was a prayer of the Apostle Paul for the church at Ephesus to embrace the wisdom of God and so on. I want to embrace the wisdom. I want to be a part of something. But something is holding me back. Is it pride? I don't know, maybe. Is it fear? In some ways, yes. I don't want to experience the hurt again. I just don't know.

Yet, I know I have to do something about it. Erin shared with me last night that she really misses being in church. My kids need to be in church. Yet, here I stand, reluctant. Why is it that I can love God yet find His people and places so frustrating? I know it's not fair to paint all believers with so wide a brush but I just see so much crap. And I know I contribute my share as well.

God help us all.

Innocence

Perhaps it's the Christmas season or just my recent frame of mind but I found myself thinking about my children a bit this week. I'm petrified of the day when they lose their innocence. Now, by legal standards, neither of them are really all that innocent. I mean, they've fully indulged in the wonders of lies, assault, and other fun stuff that kids learn right out of the womb. Yet, I'm talking more about that full-on, veil lifted from the eyes painful revealing that shows you how much darker the world really is. Now, if that sounds a bit, well, cynical, it is.

But I hope that day is a long time coming. I hope that my son will still love playing with his Star Wars toys and zapping bad guys for a long time to come. I hope that a game of UNO with his dad or a 30-minute episode of Blue's Clues will continue to bring delight to my kids' eyes forever. I fear so much for that time when they become over-busy, cynical (yes, like me), and scarred. The freshness of their youth, the wonder of the world around them, I don't want them to ever lose that.

Yet, how do we as parents help them to avoid those paths? Do we help them to avoid them or simply follow along that it's just the way the world works? I don't want to shelter my kids because that's simply foolish, and quite frankly keeps them from so many other wonders that they may experience. But I don't want them to just jump out there either, for as soon as they do, I fear they'll be swept up into the rat race, desensitized and run dry. It's a quandry for sure.

As I was thinking about some of this, the words of Jesus came to me:

Luke 18:15-17 (MSG) : People brought babies to Jesus, hoping he might touch them. When the disciples saw it, they shooed them off. Jesus called them back. "Let these children alone. Don't get between them and me. These children are the kingdom's pride and joy. Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in."

What is that simplicity? What is it about a child that makes them so readily available to the Kingdom of God? I think it's the ability to focus, to allow the one thing to really become your all. And to maintain a sense of wonder, of trust. We, or at least I, have lost that to some degree in this hurried world. Who can we trust? The government? Our churches? Our friends? Our jobs? All will let us down eventually. All will ask more of us than we truthfully feel we can give. And we will run ourselves ragged looking for acceptance, money, pleasure, and more.

Yet, the little child, while still having so many of these same needs, learns to trust that he will be provided for. He doesn't lose sleep over where his next meal, his next set of clothes, or his next toy will come from; that's Mom and Dad's job. He also finds glory and wonder in all that is around him. The simple sculpture of sand in a sandbox provides amazement for the child as does a simple song or time spent coloring. And the darkness of this world? Again, Mom and Dad will protect us!

I mentioned focus but neglected to flesh it out. If you've ever been around a kid or, God bless you, have a child who's set his or her mind to something like, say, going somewhere or doing something, you know what I mean. This thought, this idea, becomes the driving force for that child. It never leaves their mind, nor their lips, as they constantly remind you of it. And as I think of our relationship to Christ, and our reluctant reliance upon him, this is the quality that we most lack, that of focus. We need to learn to make our relationship, our time, our desires, to be his and his alone. Only then when we do that will we find true peace.

It's funny because so often I'm excited to be teaching my kids new things, letters, numbers, words, and more. Yet, it seems, I'd do better off learning from them.

My Great Heaviness

I'm sensing a theme here as of late within my updated blogs and it seems to be one of heaviness. There's a sense of weight, and an ensuing fatigue that seems to be following me here as of late. I'm not entirely sure why that is but it certainly seems to be holding fast.

This week, it's been the idea of "church" that's been looming over my head. Perhaps it's the time of year, this remembrance of the Incarnation and it's beauty that makes me long for renewal, for that true sense of community. I don't know but the concept, or at the very least our lack of involvement in the concept, keeps nagging me.

"Maybe you're afraid," you're thinking. You're right; I am. There is definitely a part of me that is scared to dive back into that fracas. We were wounded by the institution, something I keep trying to lay down and constantly find myself picking back up, absentminedly running my hands over the scars, but that's not entirely it. I'm just not sure where I stand anymore.

We've been to church off and on since our ministry time, and in those times have tried our best to be faithful to the fellowship we were attending, present time excluded, of course. Yet, in those times, we just haven't been able to connect. And truthfully, it just feels hollow, wasteful, almost worthless. Yet, there are all of these other people who lock in, who seem to get "plugged in" and have these life-changing experiences. And this is coming out of communities that (yes this is spoken with cynicism) by and large tend toward fairly shallow teaching and the like. What gives?

I realize that I've just entered into a rambling state here (truly the mark of a great writer) yet bear with me. Yes, part of me is scared. Yes, as I approach the entrance to the building, my chest tightens up and my defenses go up, to some degree. Yet, there's more. There's an idealogical change that's taken place in me over the past several years that I can't quite put words to yet will here in this meandering blog.

I'm not sure that I believe in the institutional church anymore. I love people, usually, but I'm fed up with our services, our programs, and our events. They're not what God has called us to. We're called to live our lives out together, sharing and, here's the biggie, caring for not only one another but for the "least of these." While some may point to XXX retreat that they just did or XXX small group or XXX event that was just held with the purpose of doing that, it just doesn't seem to be the overall heartbeat anymore. Service and love can't be contained in a program or an event; sure they can be part of them sometimes but just because you've held this event doesn't mean you've hit your quota. It's a lifestyle!

Add to that our certainty, our obnoxious "I've got it figured out and you don't" mentality that allows us to decide the eternal fate of others based solely upon a few questions and I'm just not sure I fit in anymore. Yet, what else is there? Do we simply leave the team, joining free agency and hoping to find something better? That's not really my style. Yet, what do we do? What do I do? Thus far, I feel as though I've been wearing concrete shoes and long for something meaningful, something of worth. And I do feel as though I've something to give, something to offer that will make a difference. But where? How?

Forgive the over the top rambling but, like I said, just feeling a little heavy today...

Random Bulletpoints of Honesty

• I still get misty when I rewatch movies like Titanic and Armageddon.
• I am secretly addicted to YouTube.
• If there were an election for candy bars, I still hold that Whatchamacallit with Twix as it's running mate is the way to go.
• Sometimes I wonder if the indie scene isn't just a little bit overrated.
• Occasionally I wonder, "What if...?"
• And other days, "Why?"

The Great American Equalizer

For the most part, I'm not a guy who really puts on airs. I grew up on the wrong side of the tracks and have, by and large, maintained a fair disposition with those from all walks of life. Race nor sexual orientation really play a part in those that I call friends or defend. Essentially what I'm saying is that I pretty much get along with everyone and don't think too much of myself in the meantime.

There's only one place that this tends to slip, and that's at the great American equalizer, the flea market, a place my wife, daughter, and I chanced upon for the first time in a long time. I'd forgotten the joy that is the local flea market, the greasy-fried smell of food in the air, the more than eclectic array of wares for sale, and, oh yeah, the people. I can honestly say, and I'm not particularly proud of this truth, that the flea market is the one place where, no matter where I'm at in life, my pride gets a little adrenaline boost. It's a rather harsh statement but it's true. There are some, ah, unusual folks that can be found at the flea market. In fact, it's not even the customers that are the most interesting. Rather, it's the vendors themselves.

Like a carnival that's dropped it's tent stakes for the last time, those that man the booths possess a certain quality that just sets them apart. They're out making an honest, in most cases, living and are by and large hard workers. But, I don't know, some of them are just, weird. Consider the guy selling new, and yes, used spas. Or what about the guy on the corner with the handwritten sign on orange construction paper that reads, "Stun Gun Sail!" These are not your average folks. It's a sideshow element that appears when you can buy a "God Bless America" t-shirt from the Chinese vendor and homegrown produce from the young man who looks in dire need of a green card. What an experience.

Now, just as a disclaimer, I don't honestly think of myself as better than any of these people. They're doing the best with what they have and are doing very well. But there are obvious differences in us all as a human population and those differences make for some great stories!

A Coming Advent

Ah, fall is in the air. Sure, it's not making those of us in southwest Florida scurry for our hoodies just yet but there's that subtle change in the air, that slight change in the way the light hits the leaves in the late afternoon. It's a wonderful time of year and a time of year that is slowly becoming more and more important for me. Our friends Ryan and Holly are huge fans of the fall season as well. Their lives have come to be measured by it, allowing for fall to serve as a time for a sort of inner reckoning and reevaluation as to the past and the future. I'm starting to see things in this light as well.

And this fall just seems, well, significant. Can I explain it? Not really. But I just feel as though something is in the air. It's sort of like that admiral guy in Mary Poppins warning Mr. Banks that the wind is shifting, I feel as though my life is finally beginnig to shift as well. Where that may lead, who knows? I may end up having a tea party on the ceiling. Either way, I feel confident that the anticipation is for something good, for something positive.

Hopefully Back

I apologize, not that you've been concerned, for the lack of posting lately. My new gig as music editor at Infuze has taken a wee bit of time to get adjusted to, most notably finding an email client that actually works all the way around. Thus, I've found myself near the situation you see in the picture to the right. But, I think I've finally conquered things with a bit of All-American know-how and desperate prayer. Things seem, just tonight, to be running smoothly. So, hopefully, I'm back.

Promoted

Most of you know that I've been writing reviews for some time now for Infuze Magazine and have been garnering some good experience their along with watching my CD and movie collection grow as well. Well, now the experience is about to amp up that much more with a little promotion I've received. My good buddy Matt Conner is stepping down from his responsibilities as music editor there to pursue his own site, Stereo Subversion, which I'm fortunate enough to be involved in as well, and has handed the reins over to me. It's going to be tons of work, lots more free stuff, and great experience. If you haven't yet checked us out, go ahead. You know you want to! Do it for me...

I've Missed This Guy

Just last week one of my oldest friends called me up to let me know that he and his family would be in Orlando for the week. So, this past Wednesday evening Erin and I bailed on work a hair early to make the trek across the state and visit my good buddy Walter, his lovely wife Paula, and their darling little girl Natalie. It was so good to catch up. We all reflected on how great it is to just have things pick up where we left off. Those are the best of friends. Now we're gonna have to make the trip to Massachusetts one day to visit them! Here's some pics:

This last pic was on the trip home...Good stuff..Kept it on his head sleeping for a while, too!

A Conversation With Tyler

At the house:

Me: Tyler! Want to go to the store with me to buy some ice cream?
Tyler: Sure! Let me put my shoes on!

In the car on the way:

Me: So Tyler...We're going to go someplace special tomorrow.
Tyler: You mean today?
Me: No, tomorrow. We're gonna go someplace special tomorrow.
Tyler: Tomorrow is today.
Me: No. Listen. What's the sun doing right now? Going down?
Tyler: Yeah.
Me: Well, when the sun comes back up again it's tomorrow.
Tyler: And then we're going to the special place?
Me: Yes! After school.
Tyler: I want my Mommy...
Me: Mommy's going to go too, Tyler!
Tyler: What special place?
Me: It's a place called Orlando. We're going to visit one of Daddy's good friends.
Tyler: Tonight?
Me: No! Tomorrow...
Tyler: So we're going to Orlando now?
Me: No! We're going to get ice cream!!!!!!!!!!!

Dreams, Goals, and Reality

The past several weeks and I might even say, months, have found me pondering the ideas of dreams and goals and, yes, reality. It's funny how many dreams we have when we're growing up. I remember wanting to be a fireman (who didn't!), an astronaut, and more. There were so many dreams then and they all seem so far away now. What is it about time that steals away our propensity to dream? Is it that we find ourselves suddenly adults, with responsibilities and jobs and the like that causes us to lay our dreams aside to simply pay the piper? Or is it something more, perhaps even something more sinister that sneaks in to steal our hearts and drive us to monotony?

I'm not really sure of the answer but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's a hybrid of both. It's true that some of our dreams fall prey to others and that the golden age of adulthood often finds us more disillusioned than inspired. Yet, I also believe that we do wrestle against things that are unseen, and that this particular enemy is not thrilled with us pursuing our dreams. He'd rather us lie listless, unimaginative, and virtually dead. I also think that many times we're our own worse enemy, allowing negative thoughts and those ideas of "I'm too old" or "I'm past that stage of my life" to derail us from some things that we truly crave.

As I've pondered this, I've sat back and tried to recapture some of those dreams of my youth and to really ask myself what dreams I have now, if any. In places that I haven't found any, I'm trying to reignite my imagination, bringing dreams to bear. Yet, there are a few older dreams that still linger from the past and those I'm silently working to plot a course to fulfill. We are not our age. And, for those of us who call ourselves Christ-followers, we are not necessarily held to the confines of this world either. The sky is the limit where God is concerned. I'm just excited to see what the sky really looks like.

Out of Darkness...Hope?

Just thought I'd toss in a bit of personal commentary here, albeit mysterious and noncommittal as well. Things in my life have been, well, somewhat of a toss-up as of late, particularly along the lines of the spiritual and whatnot. Let's just suffice it to say that there are early indications of a break in the clouds. Keep your fingers crossed...