I went to church yesterday...

So I went to a church yesterday with my wife, at her behest. I'm trying to do what I feel is right on both levels, one of simply being a servant to my wife's needs and two, trying to be honest with myself regarding my aversion to the institution. So, we went. It wasn't someplace new but was a congregation that we'd attended for some time before we moved on to another. We'd left because we just didn't feel a connection at the time and really didn't have the time to invest in some of the activities they did have going on. I don't know. It just didn't work. But, here we found ourselves again in this setting. We had to meet at the church because I didn't get through with my work early enough to go home first.

It was ironic, really, that as I walked up the walk to the door that I met, coming out of the first service, a friend of mine who's on a similar journey with similar issues. I don't know. God's funny like that sometimes. Anyway, I chatted with him briefly and then headed in. I had prepared myself, at least tried my best, spiritually as I just prayed and prayed and asked God to see my attendence there as a sacrifice to Him. I wanted to come with an attitude of worship and servanthood, casting all at His feet and just resting in His presence. I suppose that's what all of us would say regarding any given Sunday but this time it was very true for me. I sought God and asked Him to remove any barriers that I might be putting up in order to reject what He may be doing. So, in I went.

I'd forgotten how good the worship band was. They're just a really talented group of people who can sing, play, and motivate a crowd. It was nice. And then came the message and all of that. I wanted to like it. I wanted to be challenged and see Christ in it. And I really do like the pastor at this church. I don't think that his preaching is truly an indication of who he really is, if that makes any sense. But he chose this day to preach on finances, and on financial principles. He even went so far as to say that his message was going to be kind of a financial seminar with biblical principles. Inwardly, I groaned.

I don't know. It's still a wrestling match with me. Part of me wants more than anything to be part of that community again. There's comfort in the familiar, like a tall glass of iced tea or a warm cinnamon bun on a cool morning. But the other part of me, the part that continues to rise up and ask questions, compels me to seek something different, to pursue something more intimate and honest. Its not to say that what occured on Sunday was bad or something along those lines. But, I guess, it's to share my confusion and my struggle with seeking something more, something more real and tangible and intimate and holy and messy and ultimately more Christ-centered. That's what I miss. I miss the focus on Him alone.

I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy and wayward. Or, maybe, just maybe, I'm onto something. Time will tell.