My Inner Willy Loman

Lately, I've been having a case of the willies. Surely you remember reading through Arthur Miller's classic play Death of a Salesman in some high school English course, right? Well, then you surely remember the play's protagonist, Willy Loman. He was the guy who believed himself to have a solid amount of talent and skill yet found himself at the end of his career having to lean on his neighbor and others for handouts and loans. He had gotten to that place where he thought everything was going to be gravy and instead, he couldn't even afford gravy. That's kind of how I've felt lately.

Now, things aren't entirely Willy Loman bad. I'll admit that. But there's something to be said for intuitively knowing and understanding that there is much more you could be doing. That's how I feel, like I could be doing so much more. Yet, at seemingly every step of the way, I find myself hamstrung. Whether it's simply being worn out by the rugrats, burdened by poor choices from far before, or just perhaps not seeing the opportunities, I'm wrestling. I believe in my heart that I have something to offer. I know I do. Yet I find myself crawling through the same deal, day in and day out. And I hate it. I want to be challenged. I want to do something that matters. I want to create a legacy, not be a laughingstock.

I realize that this world is not about money, about things, about accomplishments. And that's truly not what I'm lamenting. While I certainly do desire a slightly more inflated salary than I currently draw, money is not the motivating force for my life. I want that force to be my love for God but that's truthfully something that I'm learning to make more consistent. Thats part of the journey, I believe. But I truly do desire for my life to be intertwined with His purposes that will allow me to truly LIVE, to TASTE, and to SEE. Right now, I think I'm frustratingly bored. I want to reclaim the adventure. I want to reengage in relationships. I want to live my life to it's fullest.