I always feel like somebody's watching me...

I realized this morning, as I finished my morning devotions and reading and took a moment or two to reflect upon what I'd learned and where I'm at today that I am living in fear of something. I'm not entirely sure that I knew that I was living in that fear but, well, now I'm pretty confident of it. And the good thing is that now that I'm aware of it, I can now acknowledge it, examine it, turning it around and exploring it's unique facets like those of a prism in the light.

So, what is it that I'm afraid of, you ask? I think, to some degree anyway, that I live with a subtle fear lurking beneath the surface, of my past. Now, some who have known me, or at the very least think they do, will protest that my "past" is not all that colorful at all, that there's really nothing other than a bad ride 'round the "Small World" ride at Disney to haunt me. Others maybe who have seen darker sides of me are shaking their heads and nodding to themselves, thinking, "Be afraid. Be very afraid." Ultimately, I know me, at least I am learning me and understand that there are some things within, and some things I've allowed without in both the distant and recent past, that are less than flattering and even more so, just disturbing. So, I struggle with those thoughts, those images, those ideas that clamor for attention.

Why am I so afraid of that which is already done? Part of my struggle I think comes as I wrestle to overcome the image of God that I held and was taught from varying sources for so long. It was never explained explicitly to me that God was a universal enforcer just waiting for us to screw up so He could knock us into oblivion. But, somehow, through the course of my upbringing, that image had implanted itself upon my mind. Now, as I have wrestled with that, discovered truth apart from that, I still struggle with that image that is imprinted upon my mind. I'm not sure what the solution is in regards to erasing that image. However, I think I've decided that I'm going to paint over that dark spot with some bright paint that I've found in recent years that declares the true love, the true glory, of the one called Christ. In those bright colors, we'll cover up the past and begin anew.