At A Crossroads

Just last night I completed what is the next to last class session I'll have to attend in order to finish (finally!) my bachelor's degree. I will have jammed four years of college into twelve more or less and have logged more than my share of miles on a variety of cars in commute. I'll leave the college with a degree in "Leadership and Ministry", as I've shared before. An interesting parting gift for one who has been absent from the institutional church for almost two years now.

In addition to this step/movement in my life, we have the addition of a new life into our situation. Our little girl is such a beautiful and wonderful part of who we are now. It's as though we've never existed without her. Even tonight, I had the opportunity to simply hold her in my arms for an hour or so, looking at her soft, innocent features as she slept. She truly is angelic. Yet, she relies upon us for everything. For some time, this will not change. And this brings a bit of pressure upon me.

Adding to all of these fairly huge life issues is the information and conversation I keep pumping into my mind and listening to. I've been catching up on some of the podcasts I've missed over the past couple of weeks, especially those from Emergent Village and have just been left challenged. I don't want to ignore, leave, or totally disregard the church. Yet, as I ponder my future, and, dare I say, my family's future, I have to weigh the cost of diving into that lifestyle in any way, shape, or form. It has already left it's scars upon our souls and I have to make the decision of whether or not to chance that possibility again. If I do choose to move in that direction, what surety do I have of finding a place that I would hope to fit this time? Am I destined to have to battle uphill for the rest of my days? Will these thoughts and challenges that I've gleaned from Emergent place me somewhere wherein I'm condemned to forever battle?

Last but not least is the continuing desire to write that comes accompanied with a deep fear of sharing what is on my heart. As every person knows who has ever attempted anything remotely creative, our creations are dear to us, almost like children. As we offer those in sharing to others, we risk being hurt by critics and skeptics. Plus, in a very overtly pragmatic sense, as we offer up something, especially in the vein of the written word, we need to have crafted something that ultimately, someone will buy and recommend. I'm leaving college with a degree in ministry stuff, not creative writing, journalism, or even communications. What do I have to offer?

So, with these thoughts swirling around my head today, into my life comes this quote that adds to the challenge. It was in the liner notes to a CD a friend lent me and just made me stop and think. The quote is attributed to President Teddy Roosevelt and reads:

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to gain mighty triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither gain much nor suffer much because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory or defeat."

Hmm...Something to chew on.