I Just Want to Help...

So this past Easter Sunday my wife and I attended church. We had not been in a while and it's been difficult on her. So, at her behest, we went to the third service of a church that we had visited for some time during our exodus. It was an okay service, and I tried to keep my focus on God more than anything else. The message was topical and predictably evangelistic. That's not necessarily a bad thing but, in all honesty, that's just this church's MO. There's not a whole lot of meat to what they do that I've experienced yet. And, well, at least their music was good. They have a very talented worship band and are pretty up to date on all of the new Passion songs so that was good. But, I realize that those things are not what is important. The key is whether or not I brought my full worship to God.

I brought what I could. I did become more mindful of things within me as the service wore on however. I became aware of how hurt I have really been by some church folk. I've sort of brushed off the bitter/hurt moniker in the past but now it's one that I seem compelled to accept for the time being. Between my own experiential time in church growing up as well as serving in one professionally to my learning time in college, I've seemingly created a world with more problems than solutions. I agonize over the pain I've experienced and unconsciously find myself demonizing others in the church for those same things. Not all people have the mindsets that I've dealt with. In fact, I honestly believe that many are well-meaning and well-intentioned. They feel that they are doing what is right, what it is that Christ calls us to. I cannot judge their heart in that but, I suppose, in some ways I do.

I guess what I'm crying out here is that I just want to help. I need help. I don't want to continue to criticize and deconstruct. There is a place for that but I feel as though I've stayed in that place long enough. Now, it's time to be constructive, taking what I've learned, even through pain, and work toward renewing the church, work toward teaching, helping, sharing, and caring. But I've got to overcome this hurt first...this distrust first...