A Rambling Confession...

So last night in class we were discussing the interview process. It's a ministry development course and wisely the professor decided to cover this topic. Well, as he was discussing it, he addressed one of the key points that we must take into consideration as an interviewer, namely that we must be aware of our prejudices and our own preconceived notions. Hmmm...Sounds strikingly familiar.

The truth is that this is something I've sort of been working through within myself. As I've developed what I'd define as a quieter life, although not as quite as I am hoping to attain, this is one of the things that I've been forced to face. What are my prejudices right now? Where are these ideas that flood me coming from? Am I aware, as De Mello might write? And, the answer is: sort of.

One of the things that I'm becoming more and more aware of, and this is a difficult thing to write, is that I'm growing bitter and angry with my fellow Christians. Having been submerged in the Christian subculture for so long and then coming to look around with new eyes, so to speak, has left within me an anger and a bitterness. This is not necessarily a good thing. I am called to love these people, for, in all reality, they are part of my family. Yet, I see my family treating others poorly, demanding more of others than is reasonable, and spending more time fighting amongst themselves than in simply loving others. This ought not to be. Another factor within it is that as I look back upon my time in churches and such, I mainly remember pain. Eventually, each experience within a church has led to some sort of pain. I suppose this is to be expected, but one tends to hold "church folk" in a higher regard. This is unreasonable, for we are all people, but it is still an emotional reality for me right now.

I'm not sure what the solution is here. Some days I want to run so far away and never look back. But something within reminds me that I cannot do that, for to do that would be the most unChristlike thing I could do. Other days I just want to scream, "Wake up!", at the top of my lungs, hoping that they will. Then on other days I'm simply reminded of my own depravity and am led to the feet of Christ where I simply wait in His Presence. I hope that's what today brings, a day in His Presence.