For Mature Audiences Only

Okay, so this isn't exactly a nasty post but some would potentially be, um, disenchanted with where I'm going here so, before you go any further, consider yourself warned. There is material here of a frank sexual nature that may be offensive to some. If this does not scare you, keep on reading.

Okay, glad you stuck around. This really isn't nasty or obscene. Rather, it's more of an observation. I spend a lot of time in grocery stores. One of my jobs is for a local bread company wherein I travel a route, one day a week, and do what are called "pull ups". Essentially, we just pull any backstock the regular distributors have left in the store and make sure the shelves look neat. It gives them a day off and puts some money in our pockets. It's easy and relatively quick. So, as I travel these grocery stores week in and week out, I am constantly running across new displays and products and whatnot. Well, not too long ago I was running my route and somewhere along the way came across the display of contraceptive devices, and condoms in particular. When, might I ask you, did the condom selection become so varied and huge? There are normal condoms, lambskin condoms, ribbed, colored, and they all come in varied sizes as well.

Now, it's entirely possible that I've missed these great number of varieties simply due to the fact that, whether I've been married or not, the purchase of condoms has mortified me. As you go to purchase the condom, you're almost having a three-way of sorts right there. Because, unless you're a person without scruples, you've got to pay for these things. And, inevitably, there is always a female cashier working that day. I don't know. It's just a weird thing to sort of broadcast to the world that you're anticipating a good chance at sex, at least good enough to invest a few bucks. Which brings us to my observation of choice.

As I perused (and it's not like I sat there for an hour, I just walked by the display!) the great array of contraceptives available to a young man like myself, I was taken with the package that contained the flavored condoms. Now, this is perhaps the most bizarre of purchases to make. This not only implies that one is anticipating the opportunity for sex, but is also looking for a good chance for sex of the oral variety. Maybe it's just me but this seems pretty damn ballsy. And as you go through the line with your package of banana, strawberry, and pina colada flavored prophylactics, you're declaring to the whole world, or at the very least the world that happens to be in your check-out line that you're going to be entertaining someone down south. Hmmm...Crazy...

One more thought and then I'm done with this filthy ramble. I'm just imagining what the response of the young man who purchases the aformentioned flavored condom might be.

Me: "So, why'd you buy the flavored condoms?"

Him: "Uh, duh! What do you think?"

Me: "Well, I know what you're thinking but don't you think that perhaps you're putting your hopes out there a bit much? At least right now?"

Him: "Hey, I care about this girl. That's why I bought the flavored ones. I'm looking out for her best interests!"

Me: "Sure you are."

Okay, enough filth. Back to our regularly scheduled program.

(In all honesty, this was just a thought that literally ran through my mind. The purchase of strawberry flavored condoms is one that seriously takes some intestinal fortitude.)