Answered Prayer?

For the better part of my life, I've lived and been part of an institution that I've always felt was in need of improvement. While generally being a "glass is half-full" kind of guy with the other elements of life, my time in churches has always been stressed by my desire to think through and analyze things, seeking to grow and to change. Plus, it didn't hurt that I grew up in a really conservative "KJV-only" kind of church and then moved on to a Southern Baptist congregation as a youth pastor. These are not the sort of people generally given, and I realize I'm painting with a wide brush, to innovation and change. During those days, I remember having sundry conversations with friends in which I wrestled with and lamented the state of "The Church" and longed for change. Like many young people in similar circumstances, my initial prayers and frustrations stemmed from externals, worship styles, perceived dress codes, and such. But, while these still remained concerns, as I grew older and in knowledge, more and more, deeper elements of thought came into play and I realized that what was needed was not a facelift but, pardon the cheesy phrase, a heartlift.

Fast forward to the present. Recently, my family and I joined a church after about three years or so of floating. Our floating came at the difficult end of four years of youth ministry, a story that I believe I've documented at an earlier time. In those years, I continued to pray, to think, and to deconstruct and I can honestly say that my thoughts and views have changed quite a bit from the past. Which makes our current situation a bit unique.

Our new home at Bayside Community Church is one that, five years ago, would have been a dream come true. It's a growing, thriving, young church with passionate leaders and rousing worship times. The pastor is a dynamic personality, speaking generally on topics that are readily applicable. My son loves his church time and is just jazzed every time he sees the hyperactive children's pastor. They pray for other churches in the area, which to me is a beautiful thing. Relationships are touted and encouraged left and right and the small group ministry is pitched as the hub of the church. A legitimate evening of prayer even frames the week for the church, allowing members and church leaders to come together in intercession for personal requests and the local community. These are all great things.

Yet, as I've said, a lot has occurred in the last couple of years. Truthfully, I've lost a lot of faith in the current state of church and particularly in churches as large as Bayside. It's an unfair assessment as people seem to generally be getting a lot out of things but I can't help feeling frustrated. My training from college as well as reading and thinking I've done about the state of both Christianity and the Church has me wrestling with so many elements within. I've even found myself questioning the use of disposable plastic cups for the Saturday evening pizza they serve after service as a reflection of how we view environmental concerns. Sometimes I think I've just flipped my lid and others I generally wonder if I've lost my faith. I don't possess the same fervor as I once did but I'm not sure that I want to feel that way again. I want genuine, authentic, passionate community that oozes depth and the glory of the goodness of God.

So, I continue to struggle, both with myself, with the church, and even with my wife. Yet, I can't seem to turn off my mind when it comes to these topics. I'm not intentionally trying to do this. I just can't get away from my thoughts of how things could be and wondering if perhaps they should be. I don't know if I'm missing God's blessing of answered prayer or am in a place where I'm called to be a catalyst for change...